The End of Maxine

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The End of Maxine

Postby VickieP » Wed Jan 29, 2014 10:14 pm

Emailed from a friend:


As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
VickieP
2014 Newmar Canyon Star 3911

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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby gingerK » Wed Jan 29, 2014 10:19 pm

Ha, good one!
Any day spent in the company of my animals is a good day.
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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby retiredhappy » Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:23 am

Oh My!! ROTFLMAO
Karen West
Baxter, Sophie, & Bailey


..

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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby Excel » Thu Jan 30, 2014 2:52 pm

Have to try to copy that one so I can share it with friends that haven't had anything to worry about lately... :lol: It's called getting satisfaction ! ;)
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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby sharon » Thu Jan 30, 2014 6:22 pm

Well crap! I didn't know about the needles at the movies or picking up a dime in the parking garage! Something else to add to my list! :o :o :lol:
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby VickieP » Thu Jan 30, 2014 6:25 pm

sharon wrote:Well crap! I didn't know about the needles at the movies or picking up a dime in the parking garage! Something else to add to my list! :o :o :lol:

Oh Sharon, we all know you, you'll probably go around the parking lot tossing dimes, just so you can pick them up! :o :lol: :? I better run hide.
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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby avalen » Thu Jan 30, 2014 7:38 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Somewhere with Ava and Maggie
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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby snowball » Thu Jan 30, 2014 10:44 pm

yes we have been well educated over the years ...some of them actually makes since though :roll:
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Re: The End of Maxine

Postby Bethers » Fri Jan 31, 2014 4:56 pm

Oh, Vickie, all of those in one post... I love it, thanks for the laughs.
Beth
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"He who treasures the small things in life has found the path to true happiness"
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